Peggy Lee – Alright, Okay, You Win
Alright, okay, you win – I admit I appear to be a serious commitment-phobe when it comes to blogging. Although I’ll confess I’ve quite liked the attention from people asking where I’ve gone and worrying I’ve got snowed in somewhere and have spent my time since November 15th attempting to tunnel my way out of the cottage with a spoon.
The truth is, reality sort of got in the way. Here are five very good reasons why I’ve been so scandalously blogless for the past six weeks:
1. The Snow
Well, it’s been blamed for everything else for the last month so why not this? The lady on the radio said that due to treacherous conditions, the police had advised against blogging unless absolutely necessary. Or it might have been driving, I’m not sure – I was too busy attempting to defrost the INSIDE OF MY CAR at the time, and – you know – trying not to DIE and that. Plus, I’ve been wearing gloves everywhere – even in bed. Makes it very hard to type, I find.
You don’t understand – it’s not just the present-buying or the endless stupid hats and reindeer ears I’ve been forced to wear: I’ve have to mediate between my brother and Mama after he abducted the Christmas fairy from the top of the tree and replaced it with a ‘Fairy Liquid’ box instead. Much rage ensued. THESE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT AT CHRISTMAS.
Also – yes, well I’m afraid much as OF COURSE I’d much rather be sat at home alone typing angrily at the screen, I’ve just been forced to go out and get absolutely shitfaced several times a week as soon as I heard the word ‘December’ mentioned for the first time. You’ll be pleased to know this did on more than one occasion involve looking utterly ridiculous:
I’ve had more hangovers than Advent Calendar chocolates this year, I think. No, I’m not an alcoholic – it’s just my colleagues and I decided to share our advent calendar at work this year. Four of us have been playing fiercely competitive games of rock-paper-scissors each day for a month. It got quite ugly. Which leads me on to:
Well, this one is really a byproduct of 1. and 2. I suppose, but all the same we have been manically busy at le Wine Company. Because where would people be if they couldn’t ring up and shout at us for not having managed to control the weather. Yes, you’re right lady – it’s just pure laziness on our part, not developing better communications strategies with GOD or the CLOUDS or something, and better planning the snowfall for when we DIDN’T have record Christmas sales. How jolly inconsiderate of us. Rest assured, we ARE planning a FULL and THOROUGH investigation into ‘why the fuck the weather happened’ to prevent anything like this from occurring again.
It’s not just us of course – people generally do seem to go genuinely mad at times like this. An actual conversation had by a friend of mine:
Caller: I’m FURIOUS you haven’t delivered my order!
Staff: I’m really sorry, but the weather has been pretty dreadful, and-
Caller: I don’t CARE – I want you to deliver today!
Staff: Well, the depot have said you can go and collect if you really need the order.
Caller: GO AND COLLECT? You want me to DRIVE? Have you SEEN the conditions on the road?
Staff: Quite. Now, back to the discussion of the problems WE’RE having with deliveries…
Caller: Oh. My bad.
Sadly, my friend spontaneously combusted shortly after this call.
4. Bitching to people about points 1-3
Because quite literally where would I be if I didn’t rant about the absolute stupidest things. I think it got to the point where the boys were letting me win rock-paper-scissors, just so I could get a chocolate shoved in my gob and shut the hell up for five seconds. But, you know, it’s why you love me. Either that or it’s why I may grow old alone. I’m going with the first one.
Oh yeah. That. Just so happens that I realised after the last blog post that I was spending too much time ranting about cucumbers and Richard Dawkins and not enough time writing that big old story thing I’ve got to finish by the end of the month. It was make or break time, and I knew I could either give up and try again next year or start writing 10,000 words a week MINIMUM. And I decided on the latter, because I’m annoying and never give up on things. If point #4 proves I’m like a dog with a bone, then hopefully point #5 proves this isn’t always a bad thing.
So here we are at December 27th, and I’m at 75,000 words. And really, it’s just a matter of editing it before I submit on Thursday. More to come on that after the Big Edit I have planned tomorrow.
So, you see, I’m not snowed in – I really am alive! Alive in the best possible sense of the word, actually.