44. Spending Valentine’s Day Single? It’s Because You’re a Hideous Monster

Song: Kanye West – Monster.

Nobody mention it’s Valentine’s Day, okay? Because – and you’ll have to imagine I’m furtively checking left and right for eavesdroppers and doing a dramatic stage whisper – I’m single. I know. It’s fucked up. Apparently, no one loves me. The shame of it. Quite frankly I don’t know how I dare show my face.

And then some cruel bastard goes and invents Valentine’s Day, splosh, right in the middle of my singledom. Now, not only do I have to be cripplingly alone, I also have to avoid going out for a whole twenty-four hours so as to steer clear of all the big red candles being lit (even when it isn’t dark – WHY?!!), all the Norah Jones music being played, and all the everything else in the world that manages to become heart-shaped for the day. Half of said love-hearts appear to be sewn into the arms of poor unsuspecting fluffy toy animals, forced to hold them forever more even though they look like utter tits.

I steer clear of it not only for my own sake obviously, but also so I don’t ruin the ambience by dripping bitter single tears everywhere and going from table to table at restaurants wailing manically at the couples and wringing my hands. This is the standard guise of the singelton on this day of the year and is not surprising – we are, after all, epic failures, unable to cling onto a partner for even one day even when that is the only day that the entire world’s press clubs together to scream out that you must not be alone. Thus, like in the aftermath of a nuclear attack – we of the romantically-challenged variety are advised to REMAIN INDOORS.

Or… not, actually. The truth of the matter is I think people honestly underestimate how non-existent the shit is that I give about not doing anything for Valentine’s Day. And – my scathing remarks on ridiculous heart-holding cuddly toys aside – I also don’t have a murderous vendetta against anyone else that is in a happy relationship and does decide to celebrate it. Commercial Shmommercial – Valentine’s Day is fun if you’re in a relationship (plus, if you get the present really right, we all know what the benefits are…), and it’s nice to have a day where you’re reminded how lucky you are to have found someone special, in the same way that Mother’s Day is nice: as long as it’s not the only day of the year you give thanks/count your blessings, then I don’t see what the problem is.

The fact is, being single does not make me hideous and ashamed any more than it makes me on a one-woman mission to DESTROY ALL MEN BECAUSE THEY DO NOT LOVE ME. So I’m happy enough being single that I haven’t settled for just anyone purely to ensure I didn’t spend Valentine’s Day alone? Good for me.

I’m actually spending it with my best friend, mostly watching A Very Potter Musical, drinking wine, doing our nails and going to the pub. And even that’s only really because we wanted to stretch out my birthday celebrations as long as possible: I’m not sheltering away from V-day, and would be equally okay with it if I were at work with all my non-single colleagues, listening to them swapping romantic stories and watching the bouquets begin to arrive.

So yes – miraculously, I’m managing to make it through another day in spite of the pure unending agony of knowing I don’t have a ‘is in a relationship with…‘ bit on my Facebook page. The career, friends, social life, writing, interests, episodes of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and all the other fulfilling parts of my life are just about keeping the never-ending paroxysms of despair at bay. Besides, I never liked those fucking heart-holding cuddly toys anyway.